I know you’ve felt it. You’ve stared adoringly at your explorative little toddler and gazed upon how smart she has become. You’ve given her high-fives and hugs and complimented her on how amazing she is. And then the moment hits you when you feel confused. You’re even disgusted. That same girl, as she was watching Daddy plow the snow into gigantic fluffy mounds, licked the beautiful picture window. Just, why?
Where do they learn this stuff? I could write a book about all of the weird sh%t my kids do. And I wonder how on God’s beautiful earth did they decide it was a good decision at the time! Well… I love my kids. And they are smart. But they do really weird stuff. Here are a few of the ones I rounded up for the sake of some Friday funnies!
- We’ll be casually strolling through Target, and I look away for ONE second. And there she is. My precious Julia–the one I adore and am completely enamored with, has her mouth over the handle bar and is LICKING it. And I tell her that’s icky and to stop. But then she doesn’t stop and just keeps licking it. I used to think stroller covers were a waste of money. But then when Brooks did it too, I gave myself a second kick in the arse for not buying one.
- Speaking of licking. Has your kid ever licked your face? Like, “Give Mama a kiss goodnight!” and instead, I get a sloppy, wet, puppy-like kiss anywhere from my neck to my forehead. Or all in one sweep. Sick.
- Oh and your purse? You’ll find any number of things in there even though your kid has their own 9,000 baskets, shelves, or bags to put stuff in. One time I opened it up and felt as if I were staring into the eyes of Chucky himself. A tiny little Barbie doll boy placed oh-so-carefully face up in my purse on my way to work. Like we need anymore distractions on the roads in MN this year!
- And your floor! Don’t forget to sweep. Or vacuum often. Because if you don’t, your kid will find a 9-month old Cheerio and eat it. Or maybe it’s a handful of pine needles at Christmas time. And then they look at you with that look of distain in their eye as they pull clumps of sappy needles out of their mouths and aren’t sure what to do with the remnants. So obviously they put them in your hand.
- You’re thinking, Oh, I’ve seen that look before. Oh, yes! It’s at dinnertime when your toddler takes a big ol’ bite of something juicy. And they decide mid-bite that they don’t like it. So in super slow mo, they carefully tongue out their food whilst staring you straight in the eyeballs. It doesn’t fall into their lap, but into your hand. And they say, “That’s icky…” [anyone who read the blog last Friday may have gotten a laugh at the re-mention of the word EYEBALL instead of eye… ]
- Violent, hormonal-like mood swings. ‘Nuff said? Like literally one minute Julia will be saying as she nuzzles in my neck, “I love you so much Mama…” and then within .1 seconds, she is glaring at me and saying, “You DON’T love me” in a sinister voice. Ahem! Sister say what?
- You’ve heard parents say how terrifying it is when their kid shows up in their room in the middle of the night. But you don’t understand the horror until it actually happens to you. Any other time she does anything Julia is stomping and running and creating a raucous. But in the middle of the night, she has transformed into a stealthy, tip-toeing ninja who has come to frighten what’s left of any sleep.
- They prefer to do everything without pants on. Like your taxes.
- Why is Mama’s belly button the funniest thing ever? Both kids thoroughly enjoy sticking their fingers in there and laughing so hard. Although so strange, I just go with it because their laughs are hilarious. I’m hoping they grow out of this!
- I have always been a picker. And I’ve inflicted this terrible habit on Julia. But it’s not just that she enjoys picking the skin off her own lips, toenails, or fingernails, she wants to pick the skin off my lips or fingernails or toenails. “Oooooh Mama lemme get that” Ew.
- They become obsessed with weird toys for random lengths of time. These gloves were a gift from a friend after Julia was born. Our friend put her hubs in charge of getting the gift, and this is what he picked. The creepiest gloves ever that are accompanied by a book. If it’s not those gloves, maybe [preferably] it’s a dolly. Or a particular piece of Mama’s Tupperware. Or right now, the kids are bickering over whether or not the other can have the Barbie dollhouse broom. It’s approx. 2 inches long. For the love of all that is good, find something else to play with!
- They drink bath water. I had to ditch the cups tonight during bath because Brooks just kept downing soapy water. I tried to offer a sippy cup with water because duh, maybe he’s thirsty! But no. He just wants the bath water. And then he figured out a way to suck water out of a rubber duck. Gross.
- They get oddly angry when you tell them to smile at photos. Even if they’re at an Easter Egg hunt with their best friends and having the time of their life.
Kids are so strange! Yes, imaginations run wild. But you have to wonder why people say The apple didn’t fall too far from that tree. They have to learn things from somewhere–even the weird stuff.
If you feel inclined, please, please share some funny things your kids do in the comments today! I can’t be the only one!
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